What is Tantra?

Tantra is a set of spiritual philosophies and practices that aim to relieve individuals of suffering caused by their thoughts, bring the body and mind into harmonious union, transcend the dualistic perception of reality, and cultivate acceptance for all that is by developing compassion for oneself and others.

Tantra is an umbrella term in which there are dozens of lineages of Tantra that each possess their own set of unique philosophies and practices that vary from one another either slightly or greatly. Tantra originated in ancient India as a rebellion to cultural attitudes that asserted that only upper-caste people could engage in certain spiritual practices. As Tantra spread further east, it expanded into Buddhism. Tantra today consists of Hindu Tantra and Buddhist Tantra.

The Sanskrit definition of Tantra means “vehicle for expansion” when you look at its root words tan meaning “expansion” and tra meaning “vehicle.” Although each branch of Tantra may vary from one another, they ultimately share the same motivation, which is to have practitioners engage with a specific lineage’s techniques and methods in order to acquire wisdom, transcend reactive modes of thought, speech, and behavior, and become one with all that is in a state of unperturbed bliss.

Because each branch of Tantra has distinct goals and motivations, it’s suggested that if you’d like to learn about Tantra and engage in Tantric practices such as meditation and breathing exercises, it’s important to work with one lineage at a time.

When you work with more than one Tantric lineage, the practices and philosophies may cause confusion in the body on a cognitive, physical, and energetic level. Some branches of Tantra involve intense energetic release from the body while other branches require energy to be circulated throughout the body. Understanding that not all lineages of Tantra are created equal is essential so that prospective practitioners can find success in choosing a lineage that resonates with their beliefs and what they’d like to attain from Tantra.

Tantra has become a popular term in the West used to describe “sacred sex” or “sacred sexuality.” Tantra is neither sexual nor non-sexual; rather, Tantra is something that can be applied to sex and sexuality.

Several lineages of Tantra have a concentrated focus on incorporating sex into their practices while other lineages prohibit working with sexuality, or simply ignore it. Even in lineages that advocate for applying Tantric practices sexually, it isn’t necessarily a requirement, it’s simply suggested because other practitioners have experienced profound spiritual realizations and/or healing on a mental, emotional, and physical level by working directly with the power and potency of sexual energy.

In Tibetan Tantra, specifically the Shangpa Kagyu lineage, Tantra means “weaving light with sound and form.”

What this means is that the practices and methods used in this lineage weave light, visualization, sound, vibration, movement, and the body all together in order to transcend one’s thought, speech, and behavior for the benefits of oneself and all beings. With regular practice, one’s conditioned perception of life and reality transforms an individual to live in a state of focused, relaxed awareness that is open and receptive to life, regardless of its circumstances.

For more information on Tantra as it is taught and practiced within the Shangpa Kagyu lineage, visit the links below.

ODATS

Do you view yourself as a selfless individual who gets taken advantage of by others?

Do you often feel resentful that people walk all over you? Do you believe that you don't receive the appreciation you deserve?

ODATS can help you build a better relationship with yourself and others.

ODATS is a boundary-setting tool that can be helpful for breaking out of codependency, people-pleasing, and other unhealthy attachments or relationship dynamics.

Before committing to something or offering yourself to others,
I invite you run your decision through ODATS

OBLIGATION

People often confuse their motivation to people-please or avoid uncomfortable conversations as a genuine obligation.

Saying yes or offering gifts and services to others out of guilt often leads to a resentment toward the person you are offering your time, money, or energy to.

For example:

“I feel obligated to go to X's party.”

"I feel obligated to have sex with X."

"I feel obligated to help X move."

Instead being motivated by psuedo-obligations, I encourage you to be motivated by your authentic "yes.”

DESIRE

When you have a genuine desire to offer your time, energy, or resources, you can selflessly give to another without expecting anything in return. If your motivation is rooted in influencing the way another person views or treats you, that is manipulation, not an authentic desire to give that comes from your heart.

ABILITY

Do you sincerely have the ability to:

• Say yes?

• Attend?

• Offer your time/money/energy?

• Help?

• Fulfill this task?

Do you possess the tools, skills, or resources needed? Will you be able to replenish yourself? Will another area of your life suffer as a result?

TIME

Will saying "yes" make your life unmanageable?

Is there enough space in your schedule to

• make this commitment?

• agree to what is being asked of you?

• provide your energy or resources?

• be present in body and mind?

SAFETY

Are you putting your physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual health and well-being at risk? Are you putting yourself in a position of danger? Are you willing to lose something important to you? Are you compromising your values or needs?

When you check all of the marks on a regular basis in your decision making process, watch how your relationship with yourself and others significantly improves.

ODATS can help you develop genuine and meaningful connections built on honesty, vulnerability, reciprocity,and trust.

Download a free PDF of this resource below.

5 Signs You’re Ready to Explore Somatic Sexology

Many people are drawn to my sexology practice and are curious about the ins and outs of Tantra, somatics, and what it would mean for them to address various levels of sexual shame and/or trauma.

While I believe that finding fulfillment in one’s life sexually is of upmost importance as it can positively affect many aspects of our life and well-being, the timing and conditions of when to initiate the journey of sexual healing and growth needs to be considered.

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1 - Your life feels manageable

Everyone has stress — it’s a normal part of life. However, if your life feels like it’s spinning out of control, your finances are suffering, and the state of your mental health is interfering with your daily tasks, stepping into the space of sexual healing and growth is not going to be conducive to you meeting your needs.

Struggling with sexual issues can be very frustrating, isolating, and cause feelings of low self worth, however, in order for these issues to be resolved, your body and mind have to be in a relatively neutral state. This cannot take place if your responsibilities feel overwhelming and that you have too much on your plate in other areas of your life.

2 - You have previous experience working with a therapist or mental health counselor

Most trauma-informed practitioners such as myself operate from the understanding that most people do have trauma, even if it’s minimal. Therefore, I rarely work with people who don’t have previous experience working with a mental health professional because somatic sexology is very intense and triggering to people’s deeply rooted fears, desires, and feelings of shame.

Many clients choose to work with me because they are ready to enter a somatic (body-based) approach to their healing once they’ve worked on the cognitive (mental) piece that is usually addressed in talk therapy. I also work with many clients whose current therapists have recommended them to work with me in conjunction to their therapy treatment.

Even if people who reach out to work with me are simply curious about expanding their sex life and can’t point to any specific issues, trauma, or history of mental health problems, it’s very rare for me to be the first point of contact that someone has in the area of their healing.

3 - You’re willing to make this work a priority

I attract many clients who have careers in busy, fast-paced industries or are creatives whose work fluctuates through a feast-famine cycle. With this, other people who seek out sexual coaching with me are no stranger to prioritizing pleasure in their lives by socializing and traveling. It’s not shocking that people desire to live a balanced life, but this is much easier said than done.

Entering a space of transformation and growth in your sex life requires a lot of time and energy that not all people anticipate when they decide to start working with me. In my own journey of prioritizing my healing and personal development, this meant spending significantly less time engaging in other areas of my life so I could really dedicate myself to achieving the states of body and mind that I deeply desired.

In order for my clients to make progress towards their goals and experience the results they desire, they need to spend a minimum of 4 hours per week engaging in the practices I teach. However, for best results, 6 hours is the most effective.

4 - You’re willing to surrender to the process of transformation

Everyone has different experiences with the process of healing, personal development, and spirituality.

Some people I work with are advanced spiritual practitioners who have years of meditation, yoga, and plant medicine journeys under their belt. Others I work with have experienced significant loss and trauma in their life and understand the “death-rebirth” cycle very well. Many people are encountering mindfulness and spirituality in a meaningful and intentional way for the first time.

Regardless of where you are at, it is essential to set aside previous knowledge and experiences in order to approach working with me from an open mind. When people attach to their old ideas or think that their previous experience with meditation, breathing exercises, or Tantra opts them out from learning from some of the practices I teach, a major obstacle to growth is created because the egoic mind insists that it already has mastered something.

I do not insist nor require that my clients subscribe to everything I teach or believe, in fact, I see what I have to offer as something for my clients to play with, experiment, and explore while they maintain their autonomy and ability to choose.

The process of transformation requires patience — the understanding that the day you plant the seed is not the day you see the harvest. There are no quick fixes in this work, so set aside your sense of urgency, choose slowness, and be willing to let your old skin shed.

5 - You’re willing to view yourself as the person responsible for your life

I believe we all have a right to full sexual autonomy and the freedom to express ourselves sexually, but what we have a right to, we also have a responsibility for.

Trauma, abuse, mental health issues, poverty, racism, sexism, and other types of victimization and oppression cause an incredible amount of suffering and harm that can create lifelong damage. Experiencing injustice, especially if it’s ongoing, causes immense grief and can be very difficult to work through.

Regardless of what someone has been through or struggles with currently, every adult has a certain level of responsibility for their life, even if they are disabled. When we take responsibility for our lives, we can develop healthier relationships with other people who would love nothing more than to contribute to our happiness and well-being.

I offer people the space to recognize that they are autonomous beings who have power in expressing their sexuality, sensuality, eroticism, and desire. Coming to this realization and then embodying it fully doesn’t happen easily. When people are willing to view themselves as the person responsible for their healing and are supported by trusted confidantes, sexual freedom and liberation can be truly known.

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My personal experience in healing and transformative spaces as well as my experience as a practitioner who guides other through their own healing and transformation is what informs the perspective I share. Simply “wanting” or “desiring” to grow sexually is not enough to really be ready to do so. There are many instances in which our desires do not align with the circumstances we find ourselves in.

Fortunately, life is a series of overlapping cycles and seasons, so even if you find yourself at this time not in the best space to enter into this area of personal development, it’s only a matter of time that your conditions will change.

For those of you who are ready to enter into the space of sexual healing and transformation, I encourage you reach out to apply to work with me today.

It’s Okay to Dislike Meditation

Practicing Eastern forms of meditation entered mainstream Western culture well over a decade ago after primarily residing within the counter-culture since the 1960s. The integration and acceptance of meditation as a valid practice for promoting mindfulness, reducing stress, and balancing the body’s nervous system has been greatly influenced by scientific research that could finally “prove” or back-up the claims that people have been making about the benefits of meditation for, well, thousands of years.

Other well-known benefits of meditation include:

• Improved memory and cognitive function

• Increased attention and ability to focus

• Better sleep

• Pain reduction

• Lower blood pressure

• Reduction of symptoms of anxiety and depression

• Enhanced compassion for self and others

At this point, many people are aware of how meditation can greatly improve their mental and physical well-being, so what prevents people from practicing meditation, and why do so many people find meditation agonizing or unbearable?

While meditation can take many forms such as breathing meditations, mindful meditations, guided meditations, chanting or repeating mantras, or even movement-based meditations such as Yoga or Qi-Gong, meditation is traditionally practiced in a seated position while keeping the body still.

The word for meditation in Chinese literally translates to “sitting still, doing nothing.” For us Westerners who primarily live in highly stimulating environments, engaging in such a practice can be experienced as deeply unsettling because it’s an unfamiliar experience and we haven’t trained our restless “monkey minds” to embrace silence and stillness.

When we look at practicing meditation through a trauma-informed lens, we can clearly understand why meditation is even more difficult for people with unresolved trauma and mental health issues. As a result of trauma, people's bodies physiologically adapt to become hyper-vigilant of their surroundings, meaning that their “fight-flight” function never fully turns off. This chronic state of hyper-alertness can lead to even more mental, emotional, & physical distress, but it’s difficult to change because it’s occurring on an automatic, biological level - not a cognitive level that has choice involved If you’ve been operating in a state of body and mind that tells you to constantly be aware of your surroundings, meditation feels like a threat to the sense of safety that having a huge guard up brings.

The best way to discharge this nervous or anxious energy is through movement - any type of movement! Walking, running, hiking, cycling, dancing, stretching, jumping, swimming, and the list goes on and on. Movement helps the body clear itself of excess nervous or anxious energy so that hyper-vigilance dissolves and a sense of safety can finally be experienced. In essence, the body goes from “fight-flight” and into “rest-digest” in a more effortless manner. This idea was understood by Paramahansa Yogananda when he brought Yogic teachings to the United States. He was aware that Americans would be unable to immediately begin a meditation practice, so practicing the physical form of Yoga asana was the key to allowing people to discharge nervous energy and calm the body, therefore allowing an individual to be physically and mentally receptive to practicing meditation.

Within the Authentic Tantra™ modality, the meditations that are practiced are a form of energy medicine from 5-Element Tibetan Buddhist Tantra. Similarly to the meridian system within Traditional Chinese Medicine, Tibetan medicine works directly with the energy body as well for healing. The energy body is understood as senior to the physical body, meaning that all physical manifestations in the body arise as a result of energetic harmony or discord.

As a teacher and practitioner, I understand the profound impact of meditation, in particular, these meditations that harness the power of the 5 elements; fire, earth, space, air, and water. However, being able to start with a simple practice such as counting 10 breaths can be nearly impossible for someone with high levels of stress, anxiety, mental disturbance, or unresolved trauma.

It’s completely understandable that people may have an aversion towards meditation or even the idea of practicing meditation despite being aware of the health benefits. I’d like to believe that everyone can benefit from meditation, so within my work with others, incorporating movement is often the best way to allow the body to rid itself of excess energy and become receptive to a still and quiet environment that would typically be experienced as uncomfortable, distressing, or unsafe.

People who meditate regularly most likely didn’t jump into a practice with pleasure, ease and without any obstacles. Meditation isn’t for people who are naturally calm, peaceful, present, and relaxed - it’s for people who struggle with these things! Which by the way, is a completely human thing to experience and why it is so revered by the Eastern cultures that contributed to and expanded upon its growth thousands of years ago. Yoga, Taoist meditation, Buddhist meditation, and other Eastern and Indigenous practices of the mind, body, and spirit all recognize the preciousness of “stilling the fluctuations of the mind.”

You don’t have to like meditation or ever practice it if you don’t feel the desire to, but understanding the common obstacles many people face when considering starting to meditate can help create a foundation that can transform aversion, fear, or apprehension into curiosity and a joyful, pleasurable connection.

How to Invite Your Partner to Explore Tantra with You

Questions & concerns I often hear from clients include:

• How do I get my partner to explore Tantra with me?

• I want my partner to learn semen-retention but they seem uninterested.

• I’m craving a more spiritual connection with my partner but don’t know how to initiate the conversation.

Some benefits of regularly practicing Tantra with a partner include:

• Deeper trust & intimacy

• Cultivating sex as a sacred practice

• Engaging in sex for healing

• Better orgasms

• Deepening spiritual connection

• Co-regulating each other’s nervous systems

Exploring non-sexual Tantra with a partner can look like learning and practicing meditation together. Exploring sexual Tantra can look like engaging in practices that include meditation, breathing exercises, and sexual healing sessions. From my personal experience, exploring Tantra with a partner can be really fun, exciting, and add beautiful, deep dimensions to the relationship, so it’s no wonder so many people want to try. However, this isn’t always a straightforward journey.

When approaching a partner about wanting to explore Tantra together, keep in mind that this can be a sensitive subject. Although your intentions may be good, if you address your partner without tact, your message may not be well-received. Ultimately, your desire to connect more deeply with your partner can create disconnection.

What I recommend

First, understand and identify your needs surrounding practicing Tantra with your partner as a strategy to meet those needs.

Don’t think or worry about your partner’s needs right in this moment, for now, focus on you.

Your needs might include: connection, intimacy, trust, depth, spiritual, closeness, novelty, safety, security, affection, exploration, adventure, pleasure, growth, expansion, aliveness, consciousness, mindfulness, harmony, peace, transcendence, discovery.

Write down 3 needs that you resonate with you the most.

Then, understand and identify your feelings when you think about exploring Tantra with your partner.

Your feelings might include: curious, fascinated, intrigued, hopeful, encouraged, inspired, excited, aroused, eager, enthusiastic, passionate, blissful, grateful, joyful, happy.

Write down 3 feelings that you resonate with you the most.

Next, answer the following questions in a journal.

I would like to explore Tantra with my partner because I have a need for (list out all the needs).

When I think about exploring Tantra with my partner, I feel (list out all of your feelings).

Now that you’ve connected to yourself more deeply around this subject, your partner will have the opportunity to understand your motivation better.

The best time to bring up the subject is when you already feeling connected to your partner and you have a sense that they are truly present and in the moment with you. Bringing this up when they are in the middle of a something such as working on a task, watching television, or trying to decompress from a stressful day most likely isn’t going to land well.

When do you bring up the subject, keep in mind that you are making a request to your partner, not a demand, and your partner isn’t entitled to fulfill this request for you. If you’re partner feels obligated to fulfill your request out of guilt, it could lead to resentment or disconnection later on. When your partner senses this truly is a request and not a demand, it gives them the opportunity to offer you a gift instead of feeling like they owe you something.

Your conversation may look something like this:

“I’d like to share with you something I’ve been thinking about lately. I’m really interested in Tantra and would love to explore it with you. From my understanding, some of the benefits include ( ). I have a need for ( ), and I think practicing Tantra together can help meet those needs. When I think about exploring Tantra together, I feel ( ). Would you be willing to learn more about it and see if it’s something we can share together?”

With this approach, you are being honest, vulnerable, and allowing your partner to clearly understand your motivation. With this, you are also giving them the opportunity to learn more about it and give them the freedom and choice to decide if it resonates with them without adding pressure, guilt, shame, or manipulation.

Your partner’s response can vary from — “Of course, I would love to!” — “Sure, why not.” — “I’m not sure, can you tell me more?” — “I’ll have to think about it.” — “Maybe in the future.” — “I don’t know if it sounds like something I’d be interested in.”

Regardless of your partner’s response, take a moment to appreciate yourself for having the courage to be vulnerable and transparent about your feelings and needs. If your partner does show interest, don’t try to rush anything. Allow the seed to take root and unfold slowly and gently.

If your partner doesn’t express interest, don’t try force your will on to them. You can, however, gently continue the discussion by asking them things like, “Would you be willing to share what reservations you have?” or “Are there uncomfortable thoughts or feelings that arise when you think about exploring Tantra together that you would be willing to share with me?”

When you sense tension or discomfort in their facial expressions or body language or hear a hard boundary go up such as “I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” or “Can you just drop this?” respect their need for space and safety by ending the conversation.

It’s okay to feel sad or hurt and experience a sense of rejection if they say “no,” but your partner’s “no” doesn’t mean you are unworthy or unlovable.

It’s possible your partner may change their mind, and it’s also possible they won’t. Regardless of your circumstance, Tantra is still something YOU can explore, with or without your partner.

In fact, if you do explore Tantra without your partner, the benefits that you gain from your practice just might inspire them or pique their interest as they begin to witness the changes it brings into your life. If you find yourself exploring Tantra more and more deeply and your partner continues to not want any part of it, take the time to consider whether or not this is a deal-breaker for you. It’s possible that Tantra may be something you just want to dabble in, but it may become something you develop a deep connection to you.

I’d love to hear how this may help you in your endeavor to explore Tantra with a partner! If you do find success with this advice, feel free to send me a message on my Instagram or Contact page.

If you and your partner are ready and willing to get a taste of Tantra, consider booking a Couples Coaching Session.

If you’re ready to take the first step of your journey on your own, book a free 30 minute discovery call with me by applying for one of my 1:1 Coaching Sessions.

A Lover Is...

A lover is not a mother or father figure. You are not responsible for teaching someone else right from wrong. You are not responsible for establishing a moral compass or set of values in someone else. You are not responsible for domesticating someone else. You are not responsible for teaching someone how to cook, dress, clean, do laundry, or take take of their home. You are not responsible for another person’s development of compassion, independence, or responsibility.

A lover is not a counselor, therapist, or psychologist. You are not responsible for managing someone else’s emotional development, insecurities, mental disorders, mental illnesses, body image issues, addictions, or complexes. You are not responsible for someone else’s past traumas. You are not responsible for someone else’s mental health.

A lover is not a nutritionist or lifestyle coach. You are not responsible for teaching someone how to eat healthy or take care of their body. You are not responsible for managing another person’s diet or assessing their health and well being.

A lover is not a secretary. You are not responsible for scheduling appointments, setting reminders, booking flights, and managing someone else’s calendar. You are not responsible for organizing and securing important documents for someone else. You are not responsible for undertaking administrative tasks for someone else.

A lover is not a publicist. You are not responsible for promoting or protecting someone else’s reputation. You are not responsible for saving face for someone else when they run their mouth, say something ignorant, or do something harmful. You are not responsible for improving someone else’s image.

A lover is not a punching bag. You are not responsible for taking physical, emotional, mental hits from someone else because they do not know how to properly vent or process their struggles or obstacles without harming another person.

A lover doesn’t live on the back burner. Receiving the scraps of someone else’s time, energy, attention and affection doesn’t make you someone else’s love.

A lover is not an accessory. You are not to wrap yourself around someone else and be seen and not heard. You are not something someone else uses to impress other people. You are a human being with thoughts, feelings, ideas, opinions, and a voice.

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Carrying out the roles mentioned above in exchange for someone else’s love, isn’t love.

Take away the labor & services you provide them, & what’s left to love about you?

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Your lover is not your project. Someone else is not something you put your skills, knowledge, wisdom, expertise, talents, ideas, creativity, or vision into. 

Your lover is not the sun. You are not to revolve your life - your entire existence - around someone else. This is not healthy or normal.

Your lover is not an abandoned child or animal. You are not responsible for rescuing someone else. You are not responsible for helping someone else heal their trust, security, attachment, commitment, abandonment, loyalty, or rejection issues.

Your lover is not a band-aid. If you have open wounds that haven’t healed, you need to get help. Someone else cannot stop your pain. Someone else will not make the bleeding stop. You are responsible for your own healing.

Your lover is not your security blanket or numbing device. You have fears. You may feel guilt, shame, confusion, pain, humiliation, regret, isolation, loneliness, anxiety, depression, grief, and denial... but a relationship will not alleviate any of this.

Your lover is not someone who is in awe of the services you give, the roles you fill, or the labor you provide.

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Your lover is someone who is in awe of you.

In awe of your soul.

In awe of your story.

In awe of your existence.

In awe of both your light & dark.

What is Sexual Empowerment?

What is sexual empowerment?

Is there a universal formula?

Is there a one-size-fits-all approach to sexual empowerment?

em·pow·er·ment

• authority or power given to someone to do something

• the process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in controlling one's life and claiming one's rights

From my knowledge, experience, and perspective, I have gathered that there is no universal formula to what sexual empowerment looks and feels like to each individual person.

Some people feel empowered in monogamous relationships, while others feel empowered in non-monogamous relationships.

Some people feel sexually empowered wearing revealing clothing, while others feel sexually empowered by dressing modestly.

Some people feel sexually empowered by shaving, waxing, or grooming their body hair, while others feel sexually empowered with most or all of their body hair.

Many people have misguided, misinformed, and confusing beliefs and attitudes towards both their personal relationship to sex and their ideas of sex in general, so does telling people what to do, what to think, and how to feel about sex genuinely help their sexual empowerment? Or does it add more confusion, shame, and apprehension?

I believe that all people are capable of realizing their own wisdom from within when witnessed and supported by trusted confidantes. For me, guiding others towards sexual empowerment means working to identify their unique feelings, needs, desires, and goals in regards to their sexual experiences, their sexual expression, and understanding of sex in general. In addition, I teach people how to make the people around them feel more sexually empowered by implementing tools and practices that honor non-violent communication, personal boundaries, consent, and the art of giving and receiving. My intention as a sexologist is to make the invaluable resources and tools I use in my own life available to others in an accessible and down-to-earth manner.

To impose what sexual empowerment looks and feels like to me on to another person wouldn’t sincerely be for their empowerment - it would simply be self-righteousness. If someone feels happy, safe, respected, and pleased by something while honoring the boundaries and safety of others, is it really necessary for me to impose my will on them?

Telling someone they are oppressed because they shave their body hair is a hasty judgement.

Telling someone they are oppressed because they are in a monogamous relationship is misguided.

Telling someone they are oppressed because they dress modestly is ignorant.

We don’t always know what is best for other people. If we truly have the desire to empower others, it’s our job to understand them. Understanding comes by asking questions and deeply listening with an open mind and open heart, not judging, diagnosing, and making demands.